Fly On The Wall: Guest Writer: “Tips Of The Relationship Trade”

I have never claimed to be a know-it-all when it comes to relationships because I don’t. Fact is, I am struggling to figure out the whole  male/female dynamic myself. But I have been a woman my entire life, and I know exactly what goes in the female psyche, and I can help those in need, I will.

I have enlisted the help of one of my dearest friends, Brittany B. (Twitter: @PinkdBubbles), to provide some advice to the Mars’ inhabitants.

Brittany writes:

Dearest men…I’d like to come forward and say that women aren’t as difficult or complicated as we seem. We are adapting to our present circumstances (your behavior) in order to stay afloat. If your behavior didn’t present itself as so difficult or complicated, we could both be frolicking in the meadow of love without a care in the world. But of course, that’ll never happen unless you listen to me.

Yes, your whole entire journey to that meadow lies solely on your ability to follow directions. LOL

I’ve comprised a few (ok, more than a few) tidbits that you should avoid in order for you and your partner to begin that voyage to the meadow.  

“Coddled…No Cradle”

 Despite how much you’d deny it, men love to be pampered like babies. You seek women that will provide a carbon copy version of the solace emanating from your mothers’ womb.  

 Case In Point: I knew a guy who required a tummy rub to fall asleep. I’m sorry…how old are you? So essentially, it is safe to assume that you must have someone in your bed regularly in order to sleep.

Million Dollar Question: If I’m not around, who is rubbing your belly, Buddah?

 Word of advice: Stop being a baby and sleep on your own, otherwise you’ll never sleep with me.

“Tit for tat…on my terms.”

 Everyone knows the, “if you do it to me, I’ll do it to you” portion of the dating game. Men are light years ahead of women in the emotional Olympics, yet deem it unfair when Karma gives them the well-deserved swift kick.

Case In Point: Not sure if it was the moon shining over the Indian Ocean or the African Aphrodisiac (aka, 4 Hakuna Matata’s) from the bar, but I became incredibly aroused and had sex with one of the guys on the trip (For the record, this was not some random guy; we were very familiar with each other). After I got what I needed, I politely stopped the motion of the ocean and went back to my room (1 Point for me!!!). I had no interest in waiting for him to “get his.” When he wanted to become a friend with benefits with the expectation of monogamy, I whipped out my Guy Card, and avoided all methods of communication.(2 Points!!!). He was one unhappy camper.What’s the big deal? Not saying I am trying to be like a man, but how often does it happen to women? Hmm? Huh? What was that? Can’t hear you! Oh, that’s what I thought.

 Word of Advice: Women are just as sexually liberated as you are, and understand that this does NOT make her a whore. Still devastated over the woman who did the same thing to you? Two tears in a bucket. Get over it. I guarantee you or one of your friends has done the very same thing to a laundry list of girls. You know what they say: Do unto others…

“Do I hear a ring? And I don’t mean on the phone.”

 Pay attention. This is important. When did it become trendy to mention the Almighty next steps without a plan of execution? Do not mention the “R,” “M,”  or “W” words while in a relationship unless you’re ready. Havoc will fall upon your life. Haven’t caught on yet?

“M” – Marriage.

“W” – Wedding.

“R” – Ring.

 Mentioning these three words (whether together or separately) at anytime during a relationship, or rather, while dating, sends signals of hope to a woman’s brain, pulsate through her veins, and land in her heart. She sets in her mind that you are looking for longevity and, if she’s lucky & loyal, it will be her. She goes into Super Girlfriend mode and you, naturally, take full advantage of Superwoman’s powers. The moment you renege, you burst her bubble, turn her hopes into falsity, and cause her to turn into super villain Bitter B!tch ala Ne-Yo’s “Libra Scale.”  You are not playing a game of spades, but you are playing with a person’s heart.

 Case In Point: Three year relationship, three words used, and three ring shopping appointments…no ring…just a three second breakup. See the pattern?

 Word of advice: Simple: Don’t do it.

“Red Light Special”

 When done correctly, sex is a beautiful thing!!! It is even better when props are incorporated into the event.

 Case In Point: I was involved with a track star from California. He and I were friends that decided to add benefits to the mix. One rainy night, he decided to spice it up a bit by adding a little ambiance to the setting. With one flick of a switch, the room turned Red and Usher’s “Seduction” was pounding through the speakers! Cheesy? Yes. Did I love it? Yes. I can’t listen to that song without thinking of the red room. He was channeling Christian Grey before Mr. Twitchy Palm was ever thought about.

 Word of Advice: Change it up guys! Don’t worry about being corny or what your boys might think…Never kiss & tell.

 “Say what you mean, mean what you say.”

 Nobody likes a liar. Women despise liars more than menstrual cramps and bugs. Do yourself a favor & stop doing it. We would prefer you to tell the truth at all times, even if you think it’s going to hurt our feelings.

 Case In Point: Met a guy. He was fine. Almost too fine. We hit it off. Had a lot in common. I told him I was taking a sexual sabbatical. He said so was he. Yet every time we were alone, he tried…and tried…and tried to get me out of my clothes. I had enough and when he realized his attempts were failing, he lost interest. Wait. Didn’t you say you weren’t interested in that? What happened?

Word of Advice: Stop lying and be honest. Scratch a liar, find a thief. We would respect you more if you made truth telling a habit.

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