Yup, you read correctly. While some wish and dream to be some sort of sex dynamo, I was drawn from birth with innate sexiness. And it scares the shit out of me. I don’t know when it happened, but I woke up one day with this sincere fright of being seen as “sexy.” Part of me doesn’t believe it when someone says it to me, the other thinks it just sounds unlike me.
While tanning with my Sistas (those of my friends that exceed friendship and enter an exclusive plane of their own) this weekend, we took a few snap snap, clap clap photos for nostalgia and Instagram purposes. Bathing suits are sexy. You cannot hide in them (unless you cover yourself in a beach ready moo moo). I workout hard and deserve to flaunt. But flaunt behind closed doors. Away from the glaring eyes of others. I have had millions of conversations with my sistas about the fear of sexiness, and I am really fighting tooth and nail to break hold of this. I am not shy, what the hell is the problem?
There are a million conclusions from where this sudden phobia of the S-word stems, whether it be from a prolonged relationship with someone who never provided “sexy” sentiments to me or being built like a brick house thus constantly reminded that, by default, I am viewed as a sexual creature by strangers and passersby. Not socially “allowed” to wear certain things because my “sexy” could quickly be misread as “slutty.” I could easily blame slut bashing and the stereotypes of brown women shaped like me. Being typecast as some incessant, hypersexual, baby maker when it couldn’t be farther from the truth. Whatever the case may be, it doesn’t pardon or excuse my feelings.
Let’s not get things confused here. I am not saying nor will I ever say that I am anything less than 50 Shades of Amazing. That I know to be true. I am everything I believe I am. There are too many adjectives to divulge about how I feel about myself which I will happily offer another day.
But there’s something about sexy that makes me uneasy. Perhaps because I am goofy and loud and nerdy and fervently unapologetic about it. Can sexy and silly and smart exist within the same realm?
Am I the only that has felt this way? If so, what did you/are you doing to break free of the phobia of sexy?
Share your thoughts in the comments section below.
Be Extraordinary- Alyssa Peacock